Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Someone shattered a urinal.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize