I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
only you would photoshop your dick
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
