a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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