remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Randomize
