apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
