She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
