I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
