Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
