Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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