Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
