BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
