so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
