Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
