fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
