Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
