i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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