I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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