people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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