Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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