Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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