Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize