Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
