can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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