i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
