Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
