i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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