I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
smell my finger.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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