I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
