eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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