my phone needs a breathalizer
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
