I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
