im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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