I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
