When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
