You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
