this beer tastes like vomit already
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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