i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
