I didn't shave. On purpose
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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