im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I just found puke in my bra..
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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