I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
