So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Houston, we have a squirter
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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