I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
