RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
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