The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
