I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Randomize
