If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
