yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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