I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
