I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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