I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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