You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
