he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I am available for nakedness
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
