my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
