I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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