Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Randomize
