I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
