3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
